Step mother: A title I happily embraced 4 years ago; When the girl's were not teenagers and when the ex-wife was someone I was trying to be civil with. Fast forward to today and I realize I made a lot of mistakes.
The first was thinking I would ever be an insider. That never happens, and for anyone out there thinking life as a stepmother is going to be fun, easy and fulfilling all the time; sorry that isn't real life. It's funny because sometimes you are in the circle. Life is happy and amazing and you are riding high on cloud nine. Then reality hits and you are back to being nothing. It's the high of being included and that feeling of actually being "loved" by your step children that make the fall from that much harder to take. Soon you are in self preservation mode and step back just so you don't feel the pain.
My second mistake was trying to be "friends" and a parental figure. The friendship will only last until the first time you have to discipline them. Then you will hear the dreaded words "you are not my mother" which even though is the cold hard truth, still hurts like hell. As women we are made to nurture, it is a gene we just can't turn off. The natural bond of mother and child is not there with step families. You have to work on it and cultivate it like an orchid. Too much or too little attention can cause a major catastrophe. A step mom needs to find the proper balance. That balance can make or break your relationship with your step children and your own life itself.
Which brings me to point three. You will never be their mother. In fact the highest you get on the food chain is dad's wife. The minute you stop trying to be their mother things will get somewhat easier for you. As a woman it has been very for me to accept this fact. Their mother could be the worst woman in the world, but they will still love her and need her. They will always seek out her affection, empathy and advice. It breaks my heart knowing this fact, but alas I have had to accept it. Even when the children live with you and spend time a lot of time with you, their mother gets all the glory.
I have made many mistakes during my run as the sometimes wicked step mother. I know I will continue to make mistakes and along the way have a few triumphs. It is all part of the life I agreed to when I said "I DO". Sometimes I reflect back on the memories and wonder would I do it again? That answer is another post entirely.
